Tuesday evening I was interviewed for “Your Time with Kim Iverson,” a syndicated evening radio show that airs in ten cities–Portland (KRSK), Denver (KALC), Austin (KAMX), Wichita (KFBZ), Kansas City (KKSN), Memphis (WMC), Milwaukee (WMYX), Indianapolis (WZPL), Buffalo (WTSS), and Norfolk (WPTE).
The show was about working moms and our decisions to keep working or quit working when we have kids. I talked about why, despite having a supportive husband and employer, things became so impossible for me. (I guess it’s hard to find women who will admit, on air, with 500,000 to 1 million people listening, that they had a breakdown trying to do it all, although there are plenty of us out there.)
Listen to the interview here. It’s about 7 minutes long.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Great job with the interview Katrina!
Two things I found interesting:
The push from the interviewer that there are 2 “sides” to this “debate,” as if there are just “career girls” and women who “are okay with not working.” I found this need to put every mother in a box frustrating.
Also, the story about the sister who married a 2nd husband who didn’t have kids, so now she has four. What exactly is obvious about the conclusion that just because the man didn’t have biological children, that she had to provide him with some. Especially because it meant she had to give up her job and be depressed for a few years? The implication of obligatory reproduction scares me. I think a key part of this discussion is that parenting is optional. In many cases, having a(nother) child is more of a choice than working.
Ugh! Yes, this whole mommy war “debate” thing is a distraction. Having kids or not. Working or not. These are incredibly personal, individual decisions with many many factors that come into play. There’s no right or wrong.
We have to take this discussion out of the realm of personal choice and look at our choices as a society. Most women and men will have kids in their lifetime (about 80% from what I’ve read) and most of them will have to work outside the home (70% of mothers, currently). Then add in all the people who care for a sick spouse, an elderly parent, etc.
So this idea that employees can be 100% available when most of us have caregiving responsibilities – that needs to change. It’s an outdated mode of thinking. It doesn’t work with today’s families.
Well. I agree that you did a fine job on that interview. However, was that really “YOUR Time With Kim Iverson”? I learned more about her and her sister than I did about you. . .
I’d love to hear the same interview done by someone who isn’t such a “career girl” (that’s not a very nice way to describe a pay roll mom is it)? That is not to say that it would be a better interview–just that the comparison might provide even more insight into the underlying social climate that got you where you are now. Kim Iverson certainly brought her own expectations for herself to the table of the interview. What might we learn from the same questions (and conversational responses) asked by a “stay at home mom” or a “stay at home dad” or what about a corporate executive father who rarely sees his kids or, for that matter a mother who doesn’t get home till 10:00pm and leaves before the kids crawl out of bed in the morning?
Who would be the most judgemental?
Who would be the most understanding?
Who would be right?
For the most part I find that people respond to me by trying to justify themselves (as if I were judging them for. . .what ever it is THEY think they are doing inadequately).
I guess that’s why you have the blog. It’s all YOUR time there!
PS. i regret that my only choice for emphasis in writing this was capital letters– i really needed BOLD and ITALICS to make my point! 🙂
There is no right or wrong. It’s sad that so many of us feel we have to justify our choices about working or not working. It’s a distraction. We are at the BOTTOM of ALL DEVELOPED NATIONS when it comes to policies that support parents. (I’m talking about childcare, maternity and paternity leave, sick days, # hours we work per week, etc.) THAT is the real issue, not whether or not one mom “works” and another doesn’t.
Parenting is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I think that’s true for many, if not, most of us, whether we stay at home or work outside the home. While it can be incredibly rewarding, parenting requires an enormous sacrifice and no one can do it alone. We could do so much better as a society to help people out.
Where are those italics when you need them?
Congrats — (I am at work so can’t listen to the interview — but on the whole endeavor of tackling and communicating about these issues). Talk about turning lemons into lemonade. Really, your approach to this whole question of what it’s like to be a mother these days and how you’ve been moving forward after some real personal challenges are inspiring.
I have a confession. When I tell people about your blog (and I seem to find myself refering to it often), my account includes how I perceived you when our children were both at Pre-School. You were the beautiful, accomplished, corporate mother who was also clearly a terrific mom.
I was scared stiff by who I perceived you to be. I felt like the scattered part time, public sector employee who even with those limited responsibilities felt overwhelmed — I didn’t imagine that my feable attempts at a grown up life in any way matched the level of commitment and achievement you clearly brought to everything you did.
…. I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through a hard time … But I am also so thankful for your honesty and courage to talk about these issues so openly. Mostly, your writing has taught me that really all of us mothers — in the paid workforce or not — are attempting something quite daunting … Fulfulling ourselves as individuals (financially, in our careers, in our spiritual lives, physically etc.) while still meeting the needs of our children and larger families. No easy task no matter where we are situated on the Mommy Map.
Thank you.
What an incredibly brave thing to say. And I’m grateful, because putting my story out there has been really, really scary and continues to be.
Next stop – the Daly show.
Congrats on this. It was an interesting listen…, I felt a few of the same things as readers above and look forward to seeing you tackle similar questions in the future (as I am sure this is the 1st of many, many opportunities coming your way to speak out). One thing I’d like to comment on is I thought your references to “breaking down” were understated.
“I broke down”- what does that mean? Your body broke, your mind broke, your will, your life? your everything?
I think to me it means a lot, but mostly a physical state of incapacitation (I “broke down” too). I feel it means not being able to continue as you were, which you did say, but not being able to continue at all. period. Car owners are frazzled, annoyed, and derailed when their cars “break down”. Families are devastated when their mommies “break down”. Oh yeah, one other thing it means to me is a turning point, a pivot from current reality from which nothing will ever be the same again.
I know it means different things to different people but I think the statement, “I broke down” needs a little more explanation, a little more drama, so people really understand how terrifying the path that they we are rocketing down can suddenly end. Just a note for next time 🙂
Yes, thank you. “I broke down” means all the things you say it did, and I underplayed it in the interview. And frankly, quitting my job was not a choice. It was completely involuntary. I could not take another step. The thought of continuing that life literally made me want to vomit. It is such a stigmatizing thing to talk about, but hearing other people’s stories make it that much easier to talk about.
I think the form of break downs is a terrific topic to cover.
In my case, the first break down looked like a back injury (six weeks of crawling on my hands and knees not working or mothering–but still gestating baby #2) …
When I didn’t catch on to that major hint, my body and soul still didn’t shut up. Two years later I found myself insanely infatuated with a female subordinate at work. I left my husband to have a torrid affair with her. I was lucky that my job was not jeopardized. My family was certainly reorganized (traumatized?). It was a pretty big break from my life as I previously experienced it.
I usually tell that story as a “coming out” story.
But in many ways it was just another form of the same sort of Mommy Breakdown that you have been describing. I happened to “come out” as a mere mortal woman trying to meet too many needs besides my own.
I wonder if there are other “break down” stories that are told under the mask of other narratives (medical, professional, marital, sexual, financial, substance abuse-al, etc.).
Maybe some of these breakdowns should be reframed as “coming out” stories. Are we all just “coming out” as mere fallible humans trying to do the impossible? All of us revealing the shameful secret of how inadequate we feel to the demands of our lives?
Looking forward to continuing the conversation with you.
I am a soon to hv my second son in a few days. I am a working mother. But fortunate to take hv FPL. For three months. My story goes back to my first son Jake. Keeping up a career and newborn was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. We were slowly descovering Jake was allergic to milk and eggs.. And developed asthma ontop of everything.
There were times when I would be at tears dropping my child off at daycare when he was laboring in breathing. He had medicine but no one really knows the signs of asthma till you go through it.
My boss was not very understanding of my situation and would clock the minutes I was late when I went to check on my son during lunch to see how he was.
Now knowing all I went through with a newborn and the thought of leaving my 3 month old again in the hands of someone else makes me so anxious.I always question is it worth it? But on the flip side I love my career, and so thankful I get to do what I love… It is an everyday struggle.
I think in the end I will have to choose one or the other. I wish that there was a system that supported working parents, no one takes into account sick time. I am always in the negative every year, I have to stay home when my children are sick but when I get sick I hv to go to work… It’s just the American way unfortunately.
I wish America would support working families.
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